Either it blew away the day I planted, or it washed away in the rainstorm the next two
days, or I am not watering it enough, or maybe the wildlife found the seeds or seedlings
and munched out before they even peeped above the ground. At any rate, I've decided it
is a bust. I am not going to put any more time and labor into it.

There are several reasons. Some personal, some on a "higher level" so to speak.

On the logical sort of level – I am wondering if it is because I haven't watered it enough.
I soak it once a day, in the morning. And by afternoon, it's dry. Most days since I
planted, the Lady gives it another brief shower in the afternoon or evening – and has
thrown in a couple of good rainstorms to boot.

I am against growing food in places where you have to drag water from rivers many
miles away, or up from the aquifier (as we do, with the well) by the hundreds of gallons
to get things to grow. I believe you ought to grow on the land, what grows well on the
land, without disturbing the natural ecology any more than you have to. The whole thing
where farmers upriver fight with farmers downriver and the river between is reduced to a
bare trickle from irrigation seems wrong to me. (Before you start in on me about how we
have to farm all the land we can – let me point out that half the crops in the U.S. are
grown for animal feed, not people food. Many of the same animals can live on this land
without feed – simply processing what grows here naturally from something we can't eat
and digest, into something we can – range grown beef)

This land happens to grow scrub and grass, which cows, horses, and goats (and
pronghorn antelope, desert cottontails, and black tailed jackrabbits) can eat and do well
on. Birds such as the little Scaled Quail make it along, too. People who eat meat, could
happily eat cows and goats – or I could do with goat milk, and chicken eggs. The native
peoples hunted and ate the wildlife – they had those I mentioned, and bison, too. Or they
lived near the rivers, if they grew crops.

So I don't want to have a vegetable garden, if it means I have to attempt to keep it soaked
constantly. Nah, my garden probably wouldn't lower the aquifier significantly – but
what if every single person out here decided to have a garden? I hope you get my point,
anyway.

On a personal level;

I had a dream. In that dream I was in a huge, big city type grocery store. I had a fistful
of money, wads of cash, hundreds of dollars. Yet I was walking up and down the aisles
over and over. I had a list of only five items or so, but I couldn't find a single one of
them any where in this big store. I had no lack of money – but I still couldn't get what I
wanted.

Several of my tarot readings lately have suggested that my reoccurring bouts with
depression and anger are due to an inability to be satisfied. A dissatisfaction that has
more to do with the past in this life and previous lives than with my actual state of
abundance at this point in time.

Sort of like I'm standing in a store full of food, with a pocket full of money, and being
dissatisfied because I can't find the specific items I wanted.

My reasoning mind has definitely been wondering how I could feel this way when I can
now go to the grocery store and buy anything I want. For so many years in Tulsa I
dreaded grocery shopping. More times I can count I stood with my cart in the produce
section, thinking "I have $20 and I have to feed us healthy for two weeks" and been
nearly in tears, wondering how I could do it. Things I do not miss!

The morning after the dream, I set out to do my daily chores. I checked on the garden,
was disappointed again, and walked down to let the goats out to graze. Since my sacred
circle is beyond the goat pen, I walked on back, as I usually do, to stand in the circle,
meditate, and give thanks.

Uppermost on my mind was the dream, and my disappointment with the garden. It
seemed to me that the Goddess spoke to me, saying; "Hey, what do you want? You live
in the desert! You have enough money, don't you? You have places nearby to buy any
food you want. Food that was grown in places that food grows naturally and willingly.
You have talents and skills to trade for money; money to trade for the foods you want.
Global economy - Ms. Internet. Duh."

Yeah, so – I mean, if those little squash plants wanna make it on their own I'm sure not
stopping them. But I'm not going to replant and pour gallons of water over the garden
either. Actually, I think I'm going to send off for a bag of this grain mix that McMurrays
swears will grow anywhere, and that chickens love and just cast that over the garden. If
it grows, yay, if not, oh well.

Blessedbe